20 ways to annoy Jack and more
by Asuka Sakura26
Summary: I love Jack (heck that seemed biased... my name is also Jack. lol). Contains major spoilers regarding Bioshock 1 and some of Bioshock 2. Read and review if you like. Thanks.


Long time no see! This would have to do for now while I write up a story about Bioshock. All about Jack of Bioshock. Contains a lot of spoilers. I play the 2nd Bioshock game but I know the story of both games (I love wikis).I'm not trying to be funny with this fic but if it does amuse you, then wow...uh thanks. That's all. Thank you!

-EDITED 8/28/2011- I had fun writing the audio diaries (New). LOL.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bioshock 1 or 2. Bioshock 1 and 2 are owned by 2K Marin and Irrational Games.

I love Jack (and not only because it's also one of my nicknames).Bioshock is awesome.

Ok let's get to it shall we?

**20 ways to annoy Jack**

1. Give him a lecture about smoking being bad for the health.

2. Ridicule him about his deep voice (as heard in the intro cutscene) after the smoking is bad lecture.

3. Tell him that his sweater/outfit is ugly… really really ugly.

4. Mock him about his bad luck. (Plane crashing and running through hell called Rapture)

5. Challenge him to outbest his father in the "Welcome to Rapture" speech. (he'll probably just ignore you though or look at you as if you're crazy.)

6. Pretend you're Irish and sound like Atlas. Good work boyo!

7. In front of Jack sing "Rapture Rise Rapture" or any song from Rapture or rather, any annoying song you can think of. Oh baby baby...Hit me baby one more time! (Ow!- after the wrench collides with your noggin)

8. Hack every turret and vending machine in Rapture right before Jack uses/gets near them. Just don't get seen. Make sure he doesn't fix it/hack it again if possible. Better yet, just destroy the darn things.

9. Somehow knock him out (kudos to you if you actually succeed in the last and this one), steal his EVE Hypo supply, extra ammo, med kit, ADAM supply, Rapture dollars and weapons when he's not looking. Again don't let him see you. (Wait..Too late.)

10. Dress up as him and act stupid. Very stupid.

11. Dress as a little sister (regardless of your age and gender). "Ask" to be adopted…by throwing a tantrum. Try to get on Jack's back for added effect. (Note: In the first game, he either saves or harvests the girls and that's that. The second game as a Big Daddy (different protagonist) you get the option to adopt then save or harvest the girl after two Adam harvests.)

12. Somehow steal his wrench (just at the precise moment he lifts his wrench) and say you're gonna give it to a fat guy called "Mario".

13. Tell him to get a new tattoo and put it on his forehead. It has to say "SLAVE" in large letters.

14. Use the W-Y-K (Would You Kindly) phrase...a lot of times (after he's cured). A must: All commands must be incredibly stupid.

15. Taunt Jack about his real parents. Dictator (well Andrew Ryan was trying to control everyone) and prostitute? Interesting.

16. Mock him a lot about how he was born (being an experiment) and about the lack of free will.

17. Repeatedly suggest that he go bald like Fontaine and adopt the accent.

18. Ask him to go to a talk show and have a heart to heart talk about daddy issues. The talk show host is completely obnoxious and very...annoying.

19. Go get a box, draw holes on it and pretend you're a Big Daddy in front of him. Talk whale for additional effect(see Finding Nemo if you want that version). However, make an excuse for not having a weapon by saying you are indestructible without your (cardboard) rivet gun or drill through charades.

20. Lastly, mock him about his lovelife (or lack of it). If he gets one after his descent to Rapture(when he gets back to the surface), we will never know.(Unless someone in 2K or Irrational Games creates a new game that is and mentions anything about it)

**15 Weird/stupid things to ask Jack(he's not cured yet). What if everyone knew about the W-Y-K phrase (not just the ones who really knew) .(see who I think could say them below)**

1. Put on a pink frilly dress and twirl around like a ballerina. Would you kindly?

2. H-Hug me (before I...die)...would you kindly?

3. Would you kindly wash that bloody rusty wrench? (Note: Put on an British or Irish accent while you're at it)

4. Would you kindly tell me that I'm pretty? 100 times...no no no...100 billion million zillion willion times?

5. Whack yourself repeatedly with your wrench…would you kindly?

6. Oh Mr. Jaaaack! Give me a piggyback ride(coz I don't wanna go back to the hidey hole!)! Now! Now! Now! Now? Uh..I forgot. Would you kindly?

7. Would you kindly…go outside and drown?

8. Go and act like a little sister..would you kindly? Start with saying "scabby on my knee!" five times.

9. Let's play golf! Would you kindly?

10. Just stand there and get killed by Mr. B. *bats eyelashes* Would you kindly?

11. Stand still while I add you to my masterpiece little moth…would you kindly? Lift a leg up and put your hands on top of your head making a "M" pose…PERFECT!

12. Mr. Jack let's go play hide and seek! Would you kindly! Ok you better hide now. 1...2...3…uh…4...5…

13. Now forget Atlas and spend time with your old man… would you kindly?

14. Mr. Bubbles, Would you kindly get me that big fishy? *pointing at shark*

15. Would you kindly hold still Mr. Jack while my sisters and I tie ribbons on your hair and draw on your face?

*** 1. Atlas/Fontaine Ryan or Fontaine, Brigid Tenebaum 4. Little Sister 5. Atlas/Fontaine 6. Little sister (the hidey hole part makes it obvious)

7. Atlas/Fontaine 8. Atlas/Fontaine Ryan (Totally out of character eh?)

10. Little Sister 11. Sander Cohen 12. Little sister 13. Andrew Ryan (Totally out of character eh?)

14. Little sister 15. Little Sister***

**The most awesome thing that Subject Delta in Bioshock 2 would've found (courtesy of Jack) if he could talk(if this was possible):**

- Collection of Jack's audio diaries-

1. "Absolute stupidity" (why did I enter that lighthouse and bathysphere anyway?)

2. "Ugly freaks"

3."That annoying voice in the radio" (Atlas/Tenenbaum)

4. "Bloody needles"

5. "Trapped with the insane"

6. "Poor little kids…(but they are creepy)" -if the player is a rescuer. (or "Filthy little creeps…(wait…come here brat)" if the player is a harvester)

7. "Hunk of metal that stinks" (Big Daddies)

8. "I'm tired…oh for the last time shut up Atlas"

9. "For the founder…he sure is ugly." (Ugly office too. What the hell is he muttering about?(he's behind a glass window for petesakes!) Wait a second…*looks at wall with red strings*..what the…)

10. "My awesome face" (Handsome eh? What do you mean no? -referring to picture on the wall)

11. "Who cares about a...oh hell no." -*listens to audio diary about a puppy* (optional diary available only to rescuer players)

12. "Boring speeches and….OMG." (Sit...stand...run...kill. Ugh. I hate golf.)

13. "….That stupid old man" (recorded after Ryan dies)

14. "Damn you baldy!" (Fontaine)

15. "Silly little girls" (Tenenbaum's hideout)

16. "Ngh. How many codes are there?" (referring to code yellow..is there Red? Pink?)

17. "I have to do what?" (Tenenbaum's instructions)

18. "I stink" (referring to Big Daddy pheromones)

19. "Adam and idiot don't mix" (referring to final battle)

20. " Goodbye stinking underwater city, hello instant noodles…I mean dad!" (referring to good ending-available if player is a savior. Or "King of the uglies…ugh." (bad ending) for harvesters)

**10 Would you kindly commands for Jack from Bioshock players**

1. Clean the windows and mirrors would you kindly? So I can see your damn face!

2. Would you kindly talk? Or at least say something? React?

3. Would you kindly not stab that needle/syringe on your wrist so many times! Try your arms for a change. (I won't get plasmids and enjoy this game if you completely abstain yourself)

4. Would you kindly look for Eleanor Lamb? Prepare yourself for another Big Daddy fight though. (Bioshock 2 would be so screwed if this was part of the story. Jack VS Delta VS Splicers VS Sofia Lamb)

5. Would you kindly kill Sofia Lamb? (What do you prefer? No Bioshock 2 or no hypnotized Delta? Although Delta's gonna die if Jack would like to rescue or harvest Eleanor.)

6. Would you kindly go back to Rapture and blow up everything this time? (Sofia Lamb only blew a part of it in Bioshock 2) Now go!

7. Read something on your gun…would you kindly? (One of the upgraded guns has something that comically looks like it says LOL)

8. Would you kindly try drinking ADAM? What does it taste like? Chicken? (LOL)

9. Would you kindly wear something different? Wait there's another idea...get more tattoos! Like…"Rapture's heir", "No free will","Needle lover".

10. Would you kindly be like (insert favorite superhero here) and (insert super powers here) that Splicer? Oh yeah!

A/N:You have reached the end of the fic. Now review or get the hell outta here(nah just joking)..would you kindly?

(Leave your own ideas if you have 'em at the review. This is all I can think of .Bye!)


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